the start of something new

Here’s one of the many articles responding to a recent speech that Cynthia Nixon from Sex and the City read:

““I gave a speech recently, an empowerment speech to a gay audience, and it included the line ‘I’ve been straight and I’ve been gay, and gay is better.’ And they tried to get me to change it, because they said it implies that homosexuality can be a choice. And for me, it is a choice. I understand that for many people it’s not, but for me it’s a choice, and you don’t get to define my gayness for me.”” 

I’ve been reading perspectives on both sides, and I’ve exhausted the debated for myself. However, one thing that I want to bring into the conversation is the PRIVILEGE of choice and the marginalize, intersectionality of gayness. I.e. Being queer and Asian. 

My navigation in life as a queer, Asian woman has heightened as I’ve honed (for a lack of a better word) in on my queerness during my years in college. I’m really thankful for having been surrounded by positive experiences that helped me grow and critical realize my identity. Frankly, the biggest struggle in my journey is the paradox of having a choice without feeling I actually have a choice. And that has to do with being Vietnamese American. You follow? Time for my infamous lists… the struggle of choice:

1) My Homophobia, Vietnamese dad. I don’t know if homophobic would necessarily be the right word. I mean, it’s not like he runs away at the site of gay people (but who does, anyway?). Like all other people who fall under the category of homophobia, my father thinks being gay disgusting, wrong, and a menace to society. Today as I was helping out at the store, I pointed out to him 2 gay male couples. He said something along the lines of,

“Do they bribe their partners to sleep with them? it’s so sad that they havea this disease. They can’t get rid of it can they. Are they born with it?”  

And because of language barriers, I just end up snaring at him and say “Dad, where the hell do you hear these things?!” Ba nghe gi ky qua?! 

You can’t really blame him. He grew up in a completely different context. But this kind of conversation happens more often than I’d like. And afterwards, I just feel an overwhelming feeling that drives me back into the darkest corner of the closet, fearing I can never, ever in my lifetime “come out.” 

2) Being Vietnamese. I assume being queer anywhere around the world sucks. I wouldn’t really know since I’ve only been to Mexico, Canada, Vietnam, and Thailand. (Actually being queer in Thailand is awesome.) But as I’ve learned in Vietnam, if you’re Vietnamese anywhere in the world, you understand for the most part what it means to be Vietnamese…and it’s different for everyone. For me, being Vietnamese means you respect your parents and work as a collective unit. See, this provides a dilemma for me as a Vietnamese American woman. America promotes individualism and independence. Those two clashing values alone are enough for me to break down and cry about once a year as I enter pre-college life crisis/  post-college life crisis/ quarter-life crisis/ etc… 

Damn it, I’m 22 going on 23. In Vietnam I should be popping babies out right now. In Vietnam America, I should be … gee I dunno, the SAME?! But then there’s a thing called “The New Century” and I think my parents understand that for the most part and are trying to keep hip-up-to-date-with-the-age . But not the gay part. I’m already stressing just thinking about all these pressures. I can choose who I love. If I stick with the individualist part of my heart I would say fuck it I’ll marry who I want. If I want to make my parents happy and yadda yadda yadda… I can CHOOSE to marry a man and have babies in my house in the suburbs. 

People say, “Tracy, do what makes you happy!” I’m sorry, but when you grow up with the burden of your parents’ hardships.. it’s hard not to dedicate your life to making them happy. I understand it’s my own internal oppression that I’ve got to deal with. 

3) Sexuality fluidity. “A label for people who don’t like labels” (Irene Shih). I can agree with Cynthia Nixon: I’ve been straight and I’ve been gay and right now I’m choosing…. whatever my heart wants. I’ve always concluded that it’s the person, not the gender. So what does this mean for CHOICE? Well, when (or if ever) I come out to my parents and they’ll force me to marry a man… I’ll have no choice. I will not be able to live with their hurt and disappointment and give into what they want. If I decide to live up to my own agency, I’ll have a choice and do what I want! (and buy my parents’ happiness back with cars and houses…..)

Conclusion? Some queers won’t agree. Some Asians won’t agree. Everyone has their own separate struggle of choice. Everyone has different privileges. I know I have a choice. It’s a fact for everyone born in this world. We have choices. We have willpower. We have agency. (Except people who are forced into violence, abuse, labor, etc). For those who have to deal with the same familial challenges (queer or not), I applaud you for exercising your freedom of choice. And for those who have been kicked out, abuse, or discriminated from coming out, your choices remain courageous and admirable. It’s more than just a choosing who you love. It’s choosing your liberation.

But before I can learn how to be selfish and please myself, I feel like I have no choice. And the closet remains closed.